How To Be A Typical Emo/Scene Kid [A Ranting Matter]

So kids, are you sick of being a well-rounded and respectable human being? Well look no further for your solution because today I will teach YOU how to be a totally original and totally badass emo kid. I can assure you that by the end of this tutorial you will go from this:

To this:

 

Photoshopped skin not included.

Are you excited? I sure am! So let's get started with the steps you'll need for your transformation:

1. Clothes 

If you want to be emo you're going to need to dress the part. First things first, you'll need some skinny jeans. Even if you weigh roughly the size of a baby whale, squeeze yourself into them anyway. We all know that clothing sizes are just stupid suggestions for the other lame people in society. You're emo, you're a fuckin' rebel! No silly tag is gonna tell you what to do! So go ahead and make sure whatever you wear is skin-tight. When picking out T-shirts, go for dark band-tees and hoodies. Get some black and white Converse or some Vans for shoes as well.

Now for the accessories! Wherever you can put random shit on your body, do it. Get some bows and clips for your hair, buy a bunch of necklaces or chokers, stockings and leggings, and get about a thousand bracelets...for each arm. Don't forget the fingerless gloves and bandannas too if you'd like. You can find all you need at your local Hot Topic, the number one stop for your individuality!

2. Hair and Makeup 

Ah, now this is what really tops off the emo/scene appearance. A couple of rules for the hair: One, whatever you do to to the poor strands just make sure it covers up a portion of your face and eyes. Two, make sure you poof out your hair, make it spiky, and make it BIG. Nothing is more attractive to others than gravity-defying hair that looks more like a mutated animal pelt than human hair. 

Hot.

Use good hair products to hold the look in place. When you've used so much that your bathroom contains more Got2b Glued Hair Spray than oxygen, you've done a fair job.

So how about the makeup? How much should you use? Two words: SHIT LOADS. Screw the haters, you don't have "raccoon eyes". That's just the blackness of your soul reflecting through your eyelids.

3. The Habitat Of An Emo 

Emos and scene kids are special creatures that require the right habitat. The walls must be covered with posters of shitty bands and stuff that some claim to be "art".  A mirror in the room is also nice, just in case the emo in question is a lazy ass who doesn't feel like dragging themselves to the bathroom for their cell phone cam-whoring. Stuffed Hello Kitty animals and Gir dolls are nice to place on the bed. A guitar is a lovely scenic item, tricking the average noob who sees it in the background of your photos into thinking that you're a deep and talented musical person. Are you? Of course! You know the rhythm part to almost every MCR and Hawthorne Heights song!

4. Attitude

"Emo" is short for "emotional" for a reason. Be moody, dark, mysterious, hyper, weird, crazy, and depressed all at the same time. If anyone asks, just say you're bi-polar even if you haven't been diagnosed by a real doctor. You already know that you have chronic depression, MPD, and ADHD, so why not bi-polar disorder too? Anyway, be hateful and ungrateful about everything. Complain as much as possible and blow every situation out of proportion. Your pencil just broke? You better start crying your eyes out bitch, because nobody knows the pain of life as much as you do. 

"That was my last pencil, my life is over!"

Even though emos are supposed to be oh-so-depressed all the time, they should still sometimes act like 5-year-olds who have overdosed on caffeine. You see, emos are random. That's also how you should describe such insanity: randomness. Trust me, it's what the cool kids do. So when people aren't giving sympathy to your sorry ass, just start doing your well-rehearsed Gir impression of the "Doom Song" and laugh hysterically about it.

5. Likes

As an emo/scene kid, there are some things that bring a little light into your dark abyss of a world. These things include the cute, crappy, and horrible, especially when mixed together. Skelanimals, Invader Zim, Hello Kitty, emo bands, other emos, skulls, horror movies, broken hearts, Pon and Zi, razors, blood, anime, pain, photography (emo photography, not real photography), and anything at Hot Topic. Fill your life up with these things, whether you want to or not. Don't forget to get a Facebook, Myspace, VampireFreaks, and any other social-networking account so you can share all your emo goodness with the world!

6. Dislikes

Do I really need to say this? It's rather simple: Parents, teachers, school, life, those who "just don't understand", and ANYONE with a different opinion than you. Oh, and of course preps. Preps are the mortal enemies of emos and you should keep in mind that they are ALL worthless douchebags along with any other kid more popular/successful than you.

7. Music

This is easy. You like "everything" except rap and country.

  

8. Friends

Even though you constantly whine about how alone you are in the world, you should still have as many emo and scene friends as possible. You're still a "loner" if you hang out with other loners right?  Duh.

So alone.

Hang out in shady corners away from other people and talk shit about preps in your free time. Compare your cuts while you're at it too, just for fun.

9. Pictures

You don't need some ignorant bastard telling you what "is" and "isn't" art! They don't understand the deep meaning behind your work! Disregard the haters and put online whatever you'd like. Half-assed drawing of Gir you did in the corner of your math homework? Take a pic of that shit and throw it up on DeviantArt bitch, you just became a motherfuckin' artist. But don't forget the best piece of art you can ever share with the world: yourself!

Sure, you claim to have low self-esteem and say "lol im sooo ugly" more often than not, but that doesn't stop you from posting 40 different pictures of yourself every day. Not getting the attention you deserve? Show some skin. Any respect for yourself has already been lost.

10. Writing and Typing

Grammar? Pfft. That's for losers. Go on and throw out everything you ever knew about the proper English language. From now on, you type lyke diz loooool. You should draw out the letters in your words and replace the period at the end of a sentence with "lol" or "looo00ll!!!". Apostrophes? They don't even exist. You should only regard those when making cutesy emoticons like this: ^___^'. What about numbers? They definitely belong with letters. The letter Z? Your new fucking best friend.

Feeling a bit uneasy? Take this short piece for a test run:

sooooo lyke i wazz ttly at the mall wit jenna wen we saw lykkeee the CUT3ST GUY EVUUURRR!!!!111 LOOOOOL he wazz suchh a hottie lyke 4 realz. he luked just lyke pete wentz loool!!! i waz lyke omg n i wanted 2 talk 2 him but i wazz soooooo shy n then jenna tlked to him n he started hangin wit us!! OMG I KNO RITE??? IJFOIJAISJADIOSAIDOJSAD LOL IM SO RANDUM LOL

Do you feel your braincells depleting? Good.

11. Online Behavior

The online community is where the emo/scene person can really thrive. Put yourself out there and regard yourself as the special individual that you are. Get a username like "XxBlackH3art4EvurxX" so people know that you're original. Make sure that you update every status about how shitty your life is as much as possible. When you're not doing that, update it with sad song lyrics or poetry. Nothing else. Also, cover all of your pages with this kind of bullshit:

Emos don't understand the concept of vital organs it seems.

Also keep in mind that anyone who disagrees with you is wrong. Always.

12. Love Life

Yeah, you're a distant loner who walks the "Boulevard of Broken Dreams", but doesn't mean you can't fall in love! Every relationship that you engage in means that you love each other. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.  Dated a girl for two weeks? Love. Dated some douche for a month in an abusive relationship? Love. Saw a really hot guy at Hot Topic? Defintely love. Whenever you enter a new relationship with someone, automatically spam all of your internet profiles about how "in love" you are with them and how you two will be together "forever". 

True love=Self Mutilation.

But what kind of people should you go for? Well, when you're not exercising your "bisexuality" (which you were totally born that way, you're not just in it for the attention. Besides, being gay is like the totally "in" thing now, right?) you should adhere to strict expectations.

Guys, only go for emo and scene girls. Why? Because for you, normal women aren't dramatic or crazy enough. You also need a nice thin girl. Can't see her ribs or pelvic bones? Gross. Moving on.

Girls, you should obsess and dedicate your life to cute emo/scene guys. You also like your men looking like scrawny, wimpy chumps. If the guy you're checking out could pass as a girl, you're on the right track. 

Now, we have to talk about the dreaded break-ups. Ah yes, the point when your life is "totally over". As soon as a break-up occurs, overreact. Start hyperventilating and cry harder than when that damn pencil broke in class earlier today. More importantly, go home and tell the online world about your troubles. Were you totally more in love with them than anyone yesterday? Nope. Not anymore. They're now a stupid fucking bastard who broke your heart and ripped it to pieces.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

13. The Final Touches

Just be you. The you who is just like everyone else in the emo "non-conformist" society, that is. You are special, just like everyone else. Don't let anyone call you a whiny retard because it's just not true. They don't understand the type of pain that you've gone through in your life. They don't know just how far you live on the fuckin' edge. Have they ever had one of mom's fruity wine coolers? Hell no! Did they ever have the love of their life break their heart after four weeks? Hell no! The world is cruel and so are the people in it. Now go listen to Three Days Grace and cry yourself to sleep kid, you're an emo now.

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Disclaimer: This is a joke, obviously. Based on stereotypes...that are based on reality.